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Tonight is one of the nights....
I close the door behind me and numbly lock it shut.
I stare at my hands for long minutes before I finally start cutting.
I gasp for each breath,silently sob about everything that went wrong all at once.
Everything that is wrong with me and the world.
Then I deal with it in the only way I know how.
I take a deep exhausted shuddering breath as I quitely cry myself to sleep.
The next morning I wake up huddled in a corner of my bed with a sore neck and a pounding headache .....yet I get out of bed just like any other morning
@brokenso
I was waiting for the day I’d be feeling like this. You’re not my title anymore. You’re not the one person I ought to share cute reels with. You’re not the person I run to with my problems. You’re not the person I’ve been vulnerable to and opened up about what haunts me. You’re not the value you used to hold. You're not the person that i call my bestfriend anymore And I thank the universe for liberating me with this kind of life lesson.
@brokenso
Why does everything feel overwhelming at one point and other things come crushing down consecutively? When nothing else could get any worse, your worst moment gets redefined with more ordeals for you to go deal with. Everything makes you feel like a fox trapped under a hunter's ground. So, you'll eventually be left hiding your skin and caring less and less.
@brokenso
screw relationships and friendships …i want healthy relationship with my parents. feeling like home around them, not feeling like walking on eggshells whenever they are present. being open to them with my problems, having a shoulder to cry on during hard times, parents that are proud of how far i’ve come and accept me the way i am. is that too much to ask for?
@brokenso
i need something to lean on, i am extremely drained and exhausted. idk who else i can turn to. i have nobody that i can call mine. i want to be told that it is all going to be okay, take it easy. you are doing everything you can in your control. leave everything else to God. i just need to believe that it is going to be okay but i am having trouble with that. it's leaving me paralyzed and no energy to get off from bed, i have a lot of shit needs to get done and i have responsibilities i need to show up to but i just can't.
@brokenso
i could write good things about you because i know you do have that. but i’m so tired of putting you on a pedestal and i need to realize that you’re just a human just a man. i am not trying to say you are a bad person and you shouldn't be loved,because you do deserve love, just not from me baby.
@brokenso
you know what? maybe i will write something good about you for a change. you inspire me to work hard on things i wanted even if that means sometimes sacrificing my sleep,myself . you are wise and a little bit of like an old man which i like. you don't show off much, you don't have fear of missing out which people in our age are tend to have. that's what i like about you. you are simple yet complicated,perhaps there are still a lot of things i need to learn about you.
@brokenso
you plant those thoughts inside me and it took me so long for me to unbury every hurtful things you have and have not done for me, your own daughter. which i wish i never am. i will not cut myself again.i am trying to do better on my own again without your help. i will grow out of this i know i will, without your help just like before.
@brokenso
i used to be quite because i dont like sharing my thoughts out loud with just anyone. but the older i get, the more i realize i am not quite because i am selective but really i am just empty. i don't have any real thoughts except trying to stay alive for the next 30 minutes. i gain nothing from my degree, school, job's or anything. i am just trying my best to stay alive. i am 22 with a grain of wisdom and maturity but having the energy of a 90 year old.
@brokenso
It took me a long time to realise that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story, not every person we feel something deep and moving with is meant to make a home within us, is meant to be a forever. Sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how to love and Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us how not to love, how not to settle, yes Sometimes people leave but that's okay because their lessons always stay and that is what matters, the thing that remains...
@brokenso
Do you ever think ''how did i end up here?'' like you are in a maze and totally lost and it's all your fault because you were the one who made every turn and you know that there are many routes that could have helped you out, because you hear all the people on the outside of the maze who made it through and they are laughing and smiling and sometimes you get a glimpse of them through the hedge. a fleeting shape through the leaves and they seem so damn happy to have made it thorugh and you don't resent them, but you do resent yourself for not having their ability to work it all out. do you? or is this maze just for me?
@brokenso
It hurts until it doesn’t you think it’s going to break you down, but it won’t trust me you may not sleep as well at night, but you will be fine you will get over it, trust me it's just a matter of time.
@brokenso
i wish it ended in chaos. i wish it ended with screaming and yelling and harsh words tumbling from acid soaked tongues. i wish it ended in a way that scarred me, lit me on fire, and left something tangible for me to hold on to. but it didn't. it ended in quiet apologies, heartbroken stares, and silent tears. it ended with you calling me wonderful in the same breath you shattered my heart. it ended with me losing my sense of safety and me, being forced to let go of the one person i once called my bestfriend.
@brokenso
i'm not crazy to think there was something right? those subtle smiles from across the room, the gentle way you caressed my face before we realized we were in public, those short moments where you would envelop your hands on mine. those weren't just in the moment, were they?
@brokenso
i try not to mind losing people i’ve known for a long time cause i understand things are better a certain way and to each their own, if we meant to cross path we will meet again. know that i might not be the same person, i’ve grown and i am learning to love every version of myself. it’s not easy but i feel like i’m getting there.
@brokenso
ትላንት ጠዋት while waiting for my friend ፀሐይ እየሞኩ... this cat came and ራቅ ብላ መለቃቀም ጀመረች:: አንድ እግሯ ላይ የተተበተበ ክር ነግር አለ... ታነክሳለች... I can see the swallow leg, it must be painful ብዬ አዘንኩላት. Naturally, my instinct wanted to help her so badly. But when I approached her ትሸሻለች... ሳባብላትም አይገባትም.... ስቀርባት ትርቃለች:: There is nothing I can do about it, I felt sadness about her suffering, I can see the source of the pain, I can untangle her but I can't do anything about it unless she lets me.

The cat thinks my approach is a bigger danger than whatever she is going through.

Then it hits me, that’s how trauma makes you think. That's how your comfort zone makes you think. That's how previous experiences dilute your reality.

I have been there, and I also know some friends who are just like that cat ,You can clearly see what's wrong and how to fix it, but whenever you try to help them, they fly away, they hit you with a tick wall/boundary. Just like that poor cat.
What I love ,who I love doesn't exist .what I want to have what my heart desires,what I day dream of, it can't die because it was never real in the first place . I had always wished it was , walking through the bus stop and seeing those cute old couples walking in downtown and seeing those young couples taking each other pictures. That's all I have ever wanted but , what was I supposed to do ? They say wait. Being the most impatient person. I will still wait . I will wait if it's THAT kind of love ,the love that I see in a field of roses if it's that , I will wait then ….
@brokenso
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2024/03/28 11:11:04
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